I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
