then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
