It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
