there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
