I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
