Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Pants are for mortals
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize