allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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