can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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