Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
