Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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