Kiss
Puke
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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