the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
