no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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