I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
