You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
