The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
