the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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