I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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