You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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