HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
