I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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