I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
