You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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