i already hear my dad disowning me
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
