When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
