please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm really busy with my period
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