Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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