Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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