Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
