Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
