first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
