The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I look excited, but its just a facade.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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