my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
