Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
