Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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