I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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