My friends, they love my intelligence
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
