Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
