Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
