His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
