I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
