Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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