I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
