He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
