i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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