You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
