My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
