Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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