I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
