All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
only if we run a train.
done.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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