someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
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