And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
