Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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