my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
