I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
