You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
