I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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