I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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