Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
