Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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